Fakin' Out
by daky
Summary: Peter is exhausted from work. When he suffers an injury, his family takes care of him, but pretty soon he starts abusing it. In the B-story, Brian teaches Stewie to cook.


I preferred writing in the script format, but since many people were complaining about it, I changed it. Enjoy the fic, review it if you want (I'll appreciate it), but don't be too harsh if you dislike it. ;) (Honestly, I don't think this is the best fic I'll ever write, but at least give it a chance.)

I do not own the Family Guy characters. (I wouldn't mind if I did, though, a guy could make a buttload of money with them.) They are property of FOX network and I'm not using them in commercial purposes whatsoever, blah blah blah. Enough with the legal crap, let's get on with the story.

It started like a typical workday for Peter. He was working in Pawtucket Brewery just like every other workday. He was doing various stuff not quite related with his working tasks, such as playing games on the computer, xeroxing his naked butt etc. Then Angela entered his office holding a large pile of papers.

"Griffin, I need you to sort out these papers for me."

"Ah, man! Again? I was sorting the papers, like, twice during the other week!" Peter started complaining immediately.

Angela dropped the pile on his table with a thud.

"Griffin, less talk-y, more sort-y. This needs to be sorted in an hour. When you're finished, come to my office for another load."

"How come I didn't have to do this kind of stuff a few months ago?" Peter asked.

"That's because a few months ago you weren't an executive, remember? As an executive, you've got different tasks to do. One of them is sorting the papers." Angela left the office, leaving Peter alone with the pile of papers.

"Man", said Peter, "this is less fun than riding with a Mexican on a train."

[Flashback]

Peter is sitting in a train with a Russian and a Mexican. At some point during the ride, Russian took a bottle of vodka and threw it out of the window.

"Hey, man, why'd you do that?" Peter asked.

"Eh, we have so many vodka in Russia we don't know what to do with it."

Peter looked at the Mexican confusedly.

"Don't even think about it!" said the Mexican.

An hour (or so) later, Peter finished sorting the papers, and took them in Angela's office, as he's been told.

"I see you've done it. Great." Angela said, and then pointed to another pile. "Now take these."

"This is really not fun or entertaining, Angela. You know that?"

"Griffin, this is your job! It's not supposed to be fun OR entertaining! Now quit whining already!"

Peter was grumbling loudly while he was taking the pile.

"This sucks ass, man. This is even worse than..."

"Griffin!" Angela shouted. "One more word and your salary for this month will be halved!"

"All right, all right." Peter muttered, and then came out of the office. While he was exiting the room, he mumbled under his breath: "Damn, bossy dyke."

"I heard that!"

In the Griffin house, Brian was sitting on the couch watching TV. Stewie entered the room and approached him.

"Hey, Brian. Let's do something... You know... something fun. Something I'd like to do."

"Like what? What exactly did you have in mind, Stewie?"

"I found Lois' cook book, and now I'm into cooking. But I need somebody to taste my delicious meals. I can't count on Rupert anymore since he became bulimic."

[Flashback]

Stewie was playing with Rupert in the yard. Brian called him in the house to show him something. Stewie left Rupert in the yard and forgot about him. During that night, a dog came and tried to dismember Rupert, which causes all the fluff to come out. The next morning, Stewie entered the yard and found Rupert, who was a lot "thinner" now.

"Oh, hey, Rupert. You seem different. Have you... lost weight or something?"

"Oh, God. Look, Stewie, I don't want to taste your slop, okay?" Brian said.

"Tell you what", Stewie said. "Let's play a little game. If you win, I won't ask anything from you. If I win – you'll come to lunch with me. All right?"

"I know I'll regret this... but all right."

"Great. Now, look... I can make you turn your hands over without touching you. Come on, stretch 'em."

Brian did so.

"No, no, the other way."

Brian turned them the other way.

"There ya go. See you in my room in ten minutes", Stewie said and he ran upstairs, uttering "Thank you, _Only Fools and Horses_. You're the best thing that Great Britain gave us since Monty Python".

"Man, I've made such a fool out of myself", Brian thought. "I was more stupid than Peter when he tries to catch a bus".

[Flashback]

Peter is sitting in the bus arguing with some woman.

"I'm telling you for the millionth time!" Peter was yelling. "I paid the ticket for this ride, and the bus is standing for a freakin' half an hour!"

"And I'm telling you for the millionth time this is a bus for blood donators!"

Peter came back home from work.

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Peter", Lois said, "can you help me a bit around the house? You know, there's so much work to do, and there's so little time."

"Uh… of course, honey." Peter was not in quite the mood for house chores, but he didn't want to turn Lois down.

"I have cooking and ironing to do. Can you clean the garage? It's an absolute mess!"

"All right…" Peter reluctantly went to garage and spent next hour or so cleaning it. He was pretty tired when he finished. But that wasn't all: he had a pile of bills and other paperwork to do in the kitchen.

"Is it me", he was thinking, "or do I have a lot of work to do lately?"

Finally, after dinner, Peter sat in front of the TV, trying to get some rest and relaxation from hard day. But then Chris entered the living room:

"Dad! I need your help!"

"Damn! Today they won't let me rest at all! What's the matter, Chris?"

"I was flying the kite, Dad, and… it stuck in the tree".

"You were trying to fly the kite? THE KITE?" Peter said. "What are you, Charlie freakin' Brown?"

Chris and Peter went to backyard. Chris showed Peter the tree that his kite was stuck on.

"You'll get it down for me, won't you, Dad?" Chris asked suppliantly.

"All right…" Peter started climbing the tree.

Chris was standing under the tree and encouraging Peter:

"Come on, Dad! Come on! You're almost there! C'mon… just a little further…"

Peter nearly got the kite, but he forgot one thing: he was too heavy for the branch he was on. So a loud CRACK was heard.

"Uh-oh…" were Peter's last words before he fell on the ground with a big thud.

A few hours later, Peter woke up in his bed. Chris, Meg and Lois were surrounding him.

"Dad?" asked Meg. "Are you all right?"

"Oh, Dad, this all was my fault!" cried Chris. "Please forgive me! I hope you're not hurt?"

"Well… I still feel kinda fuzzy… but I think I didn't break anything."

"We hope doctor will say the same." Lois called Dr. Hartman.

"Luckily, Mr. Griffin, you didn't break anything, but you need to rest for a couple of days." was Dr. Hartman's diagnosis.

Chris stood next to Peter's bed and gave him a sad look.

"I'm really sorry for this, Dad. If there wasn't for my kite, you wouldn't be injured."

"That's all right, Chris. Now please, you guys leave me alone. I want to rest."

Peter spent the next few hours sleeping. He didn't sleep so well for weeks, since he was so busy with everyday business and chores.

Stewie turned his room into a kitchen. Cooking tools and food were everywhere. He was reading a receipt from the cook book and trying to make a meal. But it wasn't going well.

"Whoa, this is a pretty hard thing to do", he was complaining.

"Hey, remember when we had that restaurant?" Brian asked. "Weren't you cooking?"

"Yes, but it was so long ago… I guess I lost my cooking skills."

"Oh, for crying out loud! Okay, I'll teach you some basic skills".

Brian spent the next few hours teaching Stewie how to make some basic food.

"And this is how you make bread."

"It's so simple!" Stewie commented. "Flour, leaven, water and salt."

"And there ya go… we baked a very nice bread." Brian was taking the bread out of the oven.

"Well, I'll be!" said Stewie. "This is easier than talking Paris Hilton into sex."

[Flashback]

Paris Hilton is having a drink in a bar. A stranger approaches her.

"Hi."

"Hi", replied Paris.

"Um… you're pretty."

"Thanks!

[Pause]

…Wanna have sex?"

Meg was at the market with her friends. They were buying cucumbers.

"I'll have four cucumbers. Make them long and thin." said one of the friends.

"I want my cucumbers to be short and thick." said another friend.

And what kind of cucumbers do you want, young lady?" monger asked Meg.

"Oh, it doesn't matter" replied Meg. "I want to make a salad with them."

At that moment her cell phone rang.

"Hello? Oh, hi, Brian. No, I'm not doing anything tonight… Wait. He what? You actually want me to…? I don't think so, Brian. Yeah, I know he'll be offended! But my stomach will be even more offended if I taste his food!"

But Brian was persistent in talking Meg into having dinner in Stewie's room along with Chris and him. So after a two or three minutes of persuading, she reluctantly accepted.

"Oh, all right. But that meal better be good!"

Brian entered Stewie's kitchen.

"Stewie, guess what? I invited guests for dinner to try your specialties."

Meg and Chris entered the room. Stewie wasn't very glad to see them, knowing his meal was going to suck, but he tried to hide it.

"Please, sit down, sit down. You're gonna love this meal I prepared. I call it… uh… Meatloaf à la Stewie!"

"Mmm… not bad… not bad…" Chris said after he took a bite.

"I think it's quite good. What do you think, Meg?" asked Brian.

"Well, it is good", she replied, "if you happen to love eating pigeon turd, but I guess I'm not that kind of person."

"Meg!" Brian whispered. "Remember what I told you? Say it's decent even if it's not! You'll offend Stewie."

"I'm sorry, Brian, but this is just awful. I can't possibly be sincere about praising this slop."

After a minute or two of silence, Chris commented the food again:

"You know, Stewie, this is kind of nice! Maybe you should consider a cooking career."

"Yes", Meg added. "A cooking career in some prison camp among the prisoners accused for the most horrible deeds, who haven't seen a decent meal for a year or two."

After the dinner, Brian, wiping his mouth with a napkin, said:

"Well, it was a good meal, Stewie. I think I'm going to sleep well tonight, fed with your delicious meal."

"Me too", said Chris.

"Me too", said Meg, "right after I've spent the rest of the evening in the bathroom vomiting every single bite I've put in my poor stomach tonight. In fact, this meal inspired me to reconsider a transition to bulimia."

"Man!" Stewie stood up. "Who invited this Daria Morgendorffer here?"

Meg stood up as well. "Well excuse me for being honest! I'm not a liar like those two douchebags who are praising the food while their systems are having a suffering of their lives!" She left the room pouting.

Chris also left the room leaving Brian and Stewie alone. They were sitting silently for a few moments, and then Stewie said briefly and quietly:

"I liked that show."

"What show? 'Daria'?" Brian asked.

"Yeah. It's… it's kinda good."

"Well, I don't know. It's… boring and… it doesn't keep your attention."

"You know, Brian, excitement is not everything you should ask from a sitcom. 'Daria' is a quality show. It's… intellectual."

"I'm not arguing with you. I'm just saying it's dull. It makes you yawn and you look on the clock and wonder when it will end."

"You don't have to badmouth it just because you don't get it. It's not a show for idiots, Brian. It's not like some other animated shows, made for morons, with nothing but toilet humor and random jokes all along, usually broadcasted on FOX or some similar channel. You have to be smart enough to watch, love, and most important, understand that show."

"Yeah, but the main character… I mean, she's so negative and cynical, and… she's such a misanthrope, and… I just can't stand her attitude."

"You don't get the point. It's…" Stewie wanted to say something, but Brian interrupted him.

"I mean, in real life, nobody will ever hook up with a person like that. But she still has that chick as a best friend, and she was even dating some guy… and I don't really understand how such a person can…"

"Aha! So you _did_ watch the show." now Stewie interrupted him.

"Just a few episodes. I'm not a fan."

"Whatever."

Peter was enjoying in bed while his family was bringing him everything he would request.

"Man, this must be what heavens looks like! Everybody's bringing me food, drink… This is the life. I'm enjoying this more than Lois enjoyed her last gynecological exam."

[Flashback]

Lois is at the gynecologist's. The doctor is sitting in front of her.

"All right, Mrs. Griffin, let's take a look." He started the exam, but in the middle of it, his phone rang.

"Excuse me, please." Doctor took the phone with his left hand while the right one was still in Lois' vagina.

"Oh, hi", he began the talk. "Where did you say you were? Okay, listen… At the first traffic light, turn right, then pass the big building on the left, than turn right again…" He hasn't noticed that he was making moves with his right hand as he was speaking. After a few seconds, he finished explaining directions to his speaker, then hung up and turned to Lois again.

"Okay, Mrs. Griffin, let's continue our… Mrs. Griffin? Are you all right?"

Lois looked exhausted and she was all sweaty, with a big smile on her face.

"I'm all right, doctor, but… please… take another turn… at the big building."

"I'm feeling better already", Peter was thinking, "but what the hell. Let them think I'm still incapable for work. I wouldn't mind being treated like a king for a few more days."

Peter turned the TV on. Channel 5 News was about to start.

"Hello, I'm Tom Tucker."

"And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight: local politician's campaign. "Vote for me. Your lives will stay the same, but mine will be a lot better." An honest campaign? A reverse psychology? Or something else? Whole story at eleven."

"And now we go live with Ollie Williams, who's resting on his paid vacation. How are you spending your time, Ollie?"

"Chillin'!"

"Thank you, Ollie. And now this."

Lois, Chris and Meg entered the room. Peter immediately started faking sick.

"Oh… I'm still a little woozy… I think I won't be able to help you around the house. Can you do them without me?"

"Of course, Peter! You just heal." Lois said.

"I guess this means I'll have to take my kite off the tree by myself", Chris remarked.

Chris went to the backyard started climbing tree to reach his kite. But, before too long, he was hanging from the tree upside down. Meg walked that way and started giggling when she saw him.

"Not funny, Meg! Help me get down."

"It's _so_ funny, Chris! You should see yourself! You look funnier than Indian names."

[Flashback]

Two Indians, an adult Indian and a little one, his son, are talking.

"Dad?" said the little Indian. "Why do we have such funny names?"

"It's a tradition, son", said his father. "You see, when an Indian gets a child, he comes out of his tent and names his son after the first event he sees. And why do you ask, Two Humping Dogs?"

With Peter faking sick, his family was doing all the chores around the house, including ones that he usually does.

Meg was going to wash the car. So she took a hose and told Chris to turn on the faucet when she approaches the car. But the water steam was too strong, and Meg was flying around the yard holding the hose.

"No, Chris! Not like this! Turn off the faucet!" she was yelling.

But before Chris turned the faucet off, Meg accidentally knocked him off, so he couldn't do it.

"Help!!!" cried Meg.

Peter noticed her from his bedroom.

"Dad! Help! Do something!" Meg was yelling.

Peter was thinking about the situation for a few moments, and then he stood up and – rolled the window down so he couldn't watch her, and got back to bed.

Stewie was sitting in his "cuisine", depressed.

"I tried really hard, but apparently they did like it. When can't I be a good cook? For God's sake, I've made all those machines, but I can't- Wait! I've got it!" Stewie got an idea. "If I can't make a good meal, I can make a _machine_ that will make a good meal!"

Instead of food ingredients, Stewie took out chips, processors and other computer equipment, and started tinkering.

Chris and Meg met each other on the way home from school the next day, so they were walking together.

"Stewie invited us to a dinner again, tomorrow", said Chris.

"I'm not really feeling like tasting meals that he made."

"You'll be surprised, Meg. Brian's been teaching him to cook for the last few days."

"But I doubt _Stewie's_ cooking skills. I'm pretty disappointed in them. More disappointed than Mom was when she was playing lottery."

[Flashback]

Lois was at the Swansons'. She and Bonnie were about to watch lottery draw.

"I've got my ticket here, Lois." Bonnie said. "You think we stand a chance?"

"I certainly do hope so--" Lois noticed that her ticket wasn't in her pocket.

"Ah, damn! I forgot my ticket at home!" Lois took the phone and called Peter.

"Hi, honey! Are you in the living room?"

"Yeah…"

"Is my lottery ticket on the table in front of you?"

"Let me see… Yes, it is."

"Can you please tell me whether the numbers I'm telling you are on my ticket?"

"Uh… yeah, sure, honey."

Lois was watching TV, listening to which numbers were drawn and telling them to Peter.

"Is number 27 on the ticket?" she asked.

"Let me check… Yes, it is."

"Number 4?"

"There it is."

"11?"  
"It's there."

"34?"

"Check."

"7?"

"Yep."

"21?"

"It's here."

Lois was thrilled. "I can't believe it! If I guessed the last number, we'll be millionaires!"

"And the last number for today is… 23." said the TV announcer.

"Peter? Number 23? Is it on the ticket?"

No answer…

"Peter? Are you still there?"

"I'm here, honey" Peter's voice was pretty calm.

"So? Is number 23 on the ticket or not?"

"Well… it is, but… it looks like you've _crossed_ it…"

(I'll leave it to you to imagine Lois' face after she heard this.)

Lois entered Peter's bedroom holding a tray.

"Hi, honey. I've made you some soup." She put the tray in his lap. "Are you feeling better?"

"Well… I do feel slightly better, but… I'm still not quite well."

"You just rest, sweetie. Listen, I'm going to Swanson's to have a cup of tea with Bonnie. If you need something, call me by the phone, okay?" She kissed him and went.

Peter was left alone in the house.

"Man, this was so great! They did all the work instead of me! It's so nice to know there's no any work around to house to do! I'm so… so…

I'M SO EXCITED!!!"

He jumped out of the bed and bursted into track "I'm So Excited" by Pointer Sisters.

(Too bad you can't see this in motion, but I'm sure you can all imagine Peter singing along to this song (badly) and dancing to it in a hilarious way.)

"I'm so excited… I just can't hide it…

I'm about to lose control and I think I like it…"

Chris and Meg were entering the yard in that moment.

"Do you hear that?" Chris asked. They peeked through the window and saw Peter dancing and singing:

"I'm so excited… and I just can't hide it…

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I want you! I want you!!!"

"That fat son of a…" Meg uttered angrily.

"We were worried sick about him!" said Chris. "And he's better than ever!"

"Oh, he's so gonna pay for this!" said Meg.

In his "cuisine", Stewie has just made some weird food-making device, and he took a remote.

"Splendid. A complete meal will be done in less than twenty minutes", he said and started giving commands to the device.

"I'm going to use laser in order to cook spaghetti."

When spaghetti was done, he checked it out.

"Not bad. Now, the sausages."

But, when the device was done, he wasn't satisfied with the result.

"Blast! They look like crap. Where did I go wrong?"

He quickly looked in the fridge, but there weren't any more sausages.

"Oh, well. It's good that I always have a spare plan for situations like this." He looked at his notes.

"Let's see… if something goes wrong with the meal, use the Super Secret Spray to fix things.

But when he did, the result was unexpected – sausages came to "life" and started hopping around the room.

"Um... I think I took the wrong spray."

Stewie was chasing the hopping sausages around the room. At one point, he jumped to catch them, but he ended in the bowl of spaghetti.

Outside of his room, Chris and Meg were about to enter.

"Don't forget to praise every dish, Meg", Chris said.

"If I don't eat any, I'm sure I'll praise the dishes.", she replied ironically.

When they opened the door, the first thing they saw was the sausages, hopping out of the room and down the hallway.

"So… is this the entrée?", asked Meg.

Then Stewie came out, covered in spaghetti.

"Uh… the cooking didn't go exactly as I planned, but never mind. Do come in", he said.

But when they entered Stewie's room, the cooking machine started making some funny noises.

"Oh, dear. Oh, dear", Stewie said.

"Your machine… what's with it?" asked Chris.

"I don't wanna panic or anything, but I think it's gonna… EXPLODE!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!"

They ran out of the room a second before machine really exploded.

In the next scene, Chris, Meg and Stewie were sitting at a table, having an apparently tasty meal.

"Have some more roast, Chris", Stewie said.

"I can't remember the last time I had such a lovely meal!" Meg said.

"Well, I wanted nothing but the best for this dinner", said Stewie. "That's why I chose the best… _restaurant_ in town."

They were actually in a restaurant. Since preparing his meal went completely wrong, and he promised a dinner to Chris and Meg, Stewie decided to take them in a restaurant instead. (Yes, I know this would be much funnier as a visual gag. Sorry.)

Meg and Chris were determined to unmask Peter's fake illness.

"Chris, please, climb that tree, look through his window and tell me what he is doing."

Chris did as he was told.

"He got back into bed."

"Okay", said Meg. "We're gonna make him get out of the bed and show he's well, and just like when he was playing with Mom on _that_ time of the month – we're gonna catch him red-handed."

"Uh… Meg?" Meg turned around and saw Chris hanging upside down, like earlier. "A little help here?"

Lois was walking back home from Swanson's. Chris and Meg met her at the front gate and explained her the situation. Lois, of course, was angry.

"Oh, of all the nerves…"

"We have to make him get out of the bed and catch him", said Chris.

"Yes, we sure have", Lois said.

They rang the bell and hide in the bush. Peter got out of the bed, but before he opened the door, he _did_ remember he was supposed to act sick.

"You're sick. You're sick. Go back to bed. Go back to bed", he was repeating to himself while running back to bed.

"Huh… it didn't work. We need another plan." said Lois. "And I think I've got one." she added after she saw Peter watching TV from his bed.

She called Chris and Meg started whispering her plan.

"You think it'll work?" Meg asked.

"Don't worry, it'll work", Lois replied. "I'm pretty confident about this scheme. More confident than a policeman who has just passed the policeman exam."

[Flashback]

A freshly recruited policeman is walking down the street. A person stopped him and asked him:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where the National Bank is?"

"I know that, buddy", he answered arrogantly. "I know that. Ask me something harder."

Peter was watching he TV in his room. Suddenly, the picture disappeared and all he's been looking at was static.

"Damn it! The most exciting moment in the movie, and the TV jammed!"

Peter was determined to see the end of the movie, so he forgot that he was supposed to act sick and he started climbing on the roof to fix the antenna.

(This episode takes place a few years ago, when Griffins still had an antenna instead of cable TV.)

"I've never been walking on the roof before" Peter was thinking.

When he made it to the antenna, he noticed that the cable was broken.

"What the hell happened to the cable?" he asked loud.

"It's _cut_, dear Peter", he heard Lois' voice below him. He look down and saw the entire family standing on the ground, looking at him angrily.

"Whoa! You guys startled me."

"Oh yeah? Instead of being in the bed, we caught you on the roof, completely non-affected", said Meg.

Peter started to lose his balance, so he was trying desperately to keep hanging on while trying to justify himself.

"Let me explain! I… I… I got up… I mean, I wanted to get up to answer the door… 'cause somebody rang… and then… the TV jammed and… and… whoa… Whoa!" he slipped and started falling down, straight on his family.

"Oh, my God!" Peter's gonna fall on us!", Lois exclaimed.

"He won't?", said Meg.

"He will", said Chris.

"He so will", said Brian.

"I also think he will fall on us", said Lois.

"He will, because we were just standing here petrified and talking all that stuff instead of stepping aside!", said Stewie.

Dr. Hartman was called by Griffins again, but this time he had to heal all the Griffins. So now everybody was wearing bandages. Peter now had to bring food, drink and everything else to Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie and Brian. Everyone was watching him angrily while he was walking from one family member to another.

"They have to remain calm for the next few days." Dr. Hartman said. "You've already recovered, Mr. Griffin, so you should be able to take care of them."

"Yes… yes… I'll HAVE to." Peter muttered.

END


End file.
